Supermarket Emotional Sweep

I have been away from home for 19 nights, in a different hotel and city every day. I've eaten in every type of restaurant and after a shitty day decided to stay in my hotel room, by myself and cook my own tea. All very well, but my kitchen utensils extend to a kettle and two teaspoons. So off I go on my own to the sainsburys which feels like an adventure in it's self because its one of the rare times I've been outside my hotel room on my own and for the next 45 minutes take a leisurely stroll up and down the isles browsing their contents. Amazing what supermarkets sell that you don't notice on your weekly shop. Item that most amazed me today was liver flavour dog toothpaste. Well I never! I nearly wanted to buy some, but my pet collection is limited to 3 fish who I doubt would appreciate the gift. So anyway, I wander down the Xmas isle, once again with nearly every item reminding me that this Xmas I'm still frigging single. The packs of mistletoe (arhhhhh), the chocolate fondants set for two (ahhhhhh) or the lovely double mug and marshmallows on a pitch fork sets (for 2ppl again ahhhhh ahhhhh ahhhh i be wanna be sick ahhhhhh). I don't know why Sainsbury's don't just make a "Ha-fucking-Ha-Your-Still-Single" gift set and be done with it, I'd buy it (ahhhhh).

Well anyway, first things first, in the Sainsbury's in Newhaven (not far from Brighton) there are no hot guys, not even reading the nuts or top gear in the magazine aisle. What's going on. Biggest treat in this aisle was that Patricia Cornwells new book caught my eye (purchase number 1), I'll read that when the bitch known as insomnia pays a visit.

Anyway, at the point of eating all the White mice out of the pick n mix (my fave) I decide to start shopping for my dinner supplies. Now I take my hat off to anyone that can rustle up a gourmet meal with just a kettle, I my lovely readers am not one of em. The first meal that comes to mind when I think of a kettle is....none other that the pot noodle (purchase number 2). But you can't eat a pot noodle without some bread and the best loaves ever have to be the gGRrRr tiger bread (purchase 3). However, can't have tiger bread without butter (purchase 4) and if I've bought bread and butter, I need a knife (purchase 5) and then I couldn't have a meal without black pepper (purchase 6) and you can't buy pepper without salt because it's against condiment laws obviously (purchase 7), and then I imagined nice ham (purchase 8) with cherry tomatoes (purchase 9) with a few cheese and onion kettle crisps (purchase 10) washed down with a sainsburys finest pure orange juice (purchase 11) and then the middle aisle special offer of cadbury caramel trifles (purchase 12) jumped in my basket and then I decided enough was enough and I should pay for my goods and leave the store immediately. So I walked to the tills and listened to the hard rain hitting the windows and picked a pepperanni up (purchase 13) to have a little nibble on on my treacherous walk back to the hotel.

It was only when I'd more or less swallowed the pepperanni whole and was close to ripping open the crisps that I realised that I'd just became a "binge eater" without yet eating much of anything. Every item I put in my bloody basket made me feel a bit happy inside for such a short moment and now that it was just me, the food and the rain...away from the bright lights and the alluring supermarket tannoy, my brain functioned and told me...I'd bought too much.

I trudged back to my hotel room feeling ashamed that I'd just wasted £23.58 on purchases that should have been avoided. Even more annoyingly I could have bought both the chocolate fondants set and the mug and marshmallow duo and still had 3.58 change to buy the liver flavoured dog toothpaste! What had my life become.

I got back to the room, boiled the kettle and then reluctantly took three mouthfuls of pot noodle before I chucked it in the bin. The rest of the food is going past it's sell by date as I type in the bag by the door. Nice one for the cleaners in the morning.

So, what caused me to become a food junkie? Well it could have something to do with a combination of the following:

- I'm a bit homesick

- Work is a bitch and u can only be so drunk before even vodka helps ease the stress.

- Work colleagues can be as annoying as jedward eating a lot of sweets with e numbers in them.

- I have a sore back that is not getting better however many drugs I take :-(

-My heart and my head have been and are still in a constant daily battle with one another.

- I feel like a hagg'ed old woman who is pasty and ugly and in need of a MOT and full re-paint.

- I miss physical contact of any sort. Even the drunken tramp who perches himself by my house and pats my face when I give him a fiver every week.

- Everyone was buying their boyf/girlf presents today and feeling sorry for myself i instead spent over a grand on unnecessary purchases.

- The limited company over the past 3 weeks has induced an imaginary crush on one of my work colleagues, not helped by the "head" part of my body thats loves this new distraction because it doesn't really like the constant arguments with the "heart" bit (see Above again). This one I need to nip in the bud-and pronto!

So there you all have it, I bared my shopping basket soul and it's subconscious emotions and now I feel as though I am ready for a snack. And let's face it, it's not as if I haven't got enough supplies is it!

Moral of this story. Never listen to your belly, it's a fraud. Never listen to your heart, it's a fool. But always take notice of your head, it's the only thing that doesn't try and fuck you over! Well most of the time anyway.

Right, where are them caramel trifles when ya need one.

Night y'all!

It's all fabulous x